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When your lost baby has a baby.

This is something that has been heavy on my mind lately. My surrendered daughter and her husband are trying to conceive at the moment and I have a lot of emotions surrounding this. What I'm afraid of feeling once she is pregnant is sadness. I can already feel it creeping in actually and the fragile wall I need to put up to show a happy face. I really cant put into words what this deep sadness is.

I have about a million things swirling around in my head. When she got married and her adoptive Mom said things about grand kids I remember worrying that if they couldn't get pregnant that they would turn to adoption. How could I happily go along with something knowing the pain and grief they were causing someone else? How could I say anything and risk looking like the crazy first Mom? I know that if this is indeed what happens that I will have to keep quiet and look happy.

Then there are the conflicting feelings that are coming up. I was talking to her adoptive Mom a few days ago and she said my daughter and husband have been trying for a while to conceive and she just isn't pregnant yet. My first thought when she said this kind of shocked me. My thought was that if they adopted I wouldn't feel as sad than if she gave birth.  Because in giving birth and her knowing that bond would make her happier that I gave her away. Her knowing what that feels like and how deep that love you feel for your newborn would reinforce her feelings of being glad she was placed, thus reinforcing my not being good enough to be her Mom.

I need to explore some of these things I have going on in my head. Aside from the sadness I am fearful. Fearful that if she has a baby she will be angry with me for giving her up. She would know that deep bond that a Mother has with her newborn and not understand how someone could give their baby away. Now she has never been an angry person so I don't know where this fear is coming from. My guess is from the studies and things I have read about how some adoptees in general feel about their adoptions.

And then there is the fact that she will be giving birth in the same hospital where she was born. Great.


  1. that would be really hard. i've also worried about how that will impact my son's feelings about me when he has a family. i just always hope that he knows that what i did was not something i truly wanted. i'm sure your daughter knows the same thing.

    1. Im not really sure what she thinks with the exception of a comment made by her husband last year saying that they are happy I didnt raise her because my husbands career had us moving around the country a few times and they feel that made for an unstable life. Adoption just sucks.