I get so frustrated when I come in contact with new first moms who are so happy that they sacrificed themselves for a couple they think is more deserving and more entitled to their baby. I am tired of those who look at me like I'm some bitter middle aged woman who needs to get over it or assume I had a horrible experience with my daughters adoptive parents. Am I an angry first Mom? Not really but I do get mad when people try to diminish what happens when you leave the hospital without your child!
To pretend it doesn't happen today is just to bury your head in the sand. I know of plenty of Moms who were tricked out of their babies. Agencies STILL do things to convince expectant Moms they aren't good for their babies. They brainwash expectant Moms into believing this is a gift they are giving to their child. They persuade them to sign papers that will leave these young women devastated. It is these Moms who today are made to believe THEY made this choice when really they are just as coerced into it as I was. Some wont even begin to let themselves fully realize what they have done but will convince themselves that what they did was beautiful because they made another family so happy. But at what price? Its a price they cant or wont begin to calculate. They look at people who are real about what adoption does to Moms as though we are bitter and negative and it will be different for them.
I am a Mother who was cheated out of her child. That kind of pain doesnt go away.
I completely relate. Even in the most "positive" adoption experience (good aparents who uphold their end of the open adoption agreement, fairly frequent contact with "adopted away" child, whatever else a "positive" experience would include) nothing, NOTHING erases the feelings of betrayal and horrific loss associated with severing ties with your flesh and blood. 27 years later and I still haven't recovered. I suppose I will live with it forever.
ReplyDeleteI had an incredibly open adoption and a great relationship with her parents. You are right that even though I had that, the pain and trauma wasn't diminished.
DeleteAs a fellow birthmom I agree with some of what you say. I know that there are those who feel as you do. However, you seem to generalize that all women feel this. I do not.
ReplyDeleteI made the decision to place my daughter before I even visited the adoption agency. I was already a single mom and placed my second child. As a mom, I knew that I could provide for my son the best I could; but, I knew that to keep her would have been taking from my sons mouth to feed her and BOTH of my children would have suffered. I was already a Mom, and a good one at that. They NEVER made me feel like I wasn't. I placed my girl knowing that I was doing the best for her. This has come back to me 10 fold since we reunited 7 years ago. She has been a huge part of my life and when I was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer, her WHOLE family was with me during this fight I am in.
I am truly sorry for the way you feel. Not all of us feel this way.
Thank you. It sounds like you are one of the lucky ones.
DeleteWish I had met you earlier! I came across some bmom stories when I was pregnant but thought they were just by angry bmoms who had terrible adoption experiences.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me sad because I know things come out as "angry and bitter" but really it is the truth for so many of us. Unfortunately for those who share this reality find this truth when it is too late.
DeleteExactly. I think I just didn't want to believe it was true, because that would have meant taking the terrifying steps towards parenthood as a broke, single mother...
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