The next few weeks after she was born were pure torture. I wanted so badly to go see her. I felt if I could just see her & hold her it would ease a little of the pain and feelings of missing her. I even asked her adoptive Mom if I could just come for a visit. She told me their lawyer told them it wasn't a good idea. Knowing what I know now, it was possibly the lawyer feared I would change my mind if I did. I don’t blame her a-Mom for this at all.
About a week or so after she was born, My Mom, step –dad and three half siblings went over to their house for a visit. I felt this was SO very unfair. They took pictures and had dinner with them. Visited and cuddled with her. I was actually quite angry but didn’t say or do anything to change it.
About the same time the package of photos I had ordered from the hospital photographs arrived. This would be my lifeline to my daughter for a very long time. I wore the locket near my heart every day. I framed one and placed it next to my bed. I put a key chain photo on my key ring.
Two weeks after I had her, I got a job at the local drive in theater. I was in such a state of grieving. Whenever someone came into the snack bar where I worked with a baby, I always asked how old? Then referred to the necklace with her photo on it & said “This is my daughter and she is X old” I HATED when there were questions after that though. It’s like I just wanted the world to know I was her Mom! That what happened to us really did happen! That I wasn't a bad person or bad Mom because she wasn't with me. “They” told me this was the best choice, the mature thing to do! So why is it that when I say “I gave her up” people disregard me? Treat me like I’m not a “real” Mom.
At the hospital I ordered her original birth certificate, just in case. In case of what I wasn't sure. Maybe it was that I wanted SOMETHING to acknowledge the fragile connection I had to her. Maybe it was fear of them taking her and moving somewhere where I couldn't find them. I really don’t have an answer for that. And since I hadn't picked a name out for her (a name did come to me when I saw her but I felt that was their “right” to name her) I just put the name they gave her with my maiden name. I really wish now that I had given her a name of my own.