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The begining...again

I got news today that began a waterfall of emotions for me that I thought I had dealt with a long time ago. My Mother, whom I havent spoken with in over 10 years, is sick in the hospital-very sick from what Ive been told.

Im sitting here sifting through so many feeling and emotions as to why my Mother and I havent spoken. It started with her incompleteness long before she ever had children. And while a part of me can understand the how's and why's of why she reacted the way she did to situations in my childhood, it doesnt erase the immense damage it has done in my life. Thru years of therapy I thought I had come to peace with it all..until today.

She is still my Mother. Facing the risk of her death has made me come to face the fact that things may never be resovled, even though in my heart I feel we will never agree, there was a sliver of hope that she would miraculously open her eyes one day & see things for what they are.

You see, when I was 13 my step father molested me. It was only once and it wasnt as severe as what I have heard others have had to endure..but it happened. And even though she always told us kids to tell her if anyone ever did anything inappropriate to us we were to tell her right away, I dont think she ever bargained it would be her husband. The way he explained it away & she believed him I think is the most hurtful part of it all. As an adult when I confronted her she denied it for what it was...molestation.

So after years of heartbreak, making poor choices and decisions in my life that were colored from my experiences, and eventually coming to terms with it, I am dealing with old feelings and hurt once again.

Why blog about it instead of just writing a private journal? Ive seen several women grow and heal from the harsh cards life has dealt them through their blog posting and I know their struggle has helped many others. They have recieved support and felt they arent alone. And part of me just wants to scream to the world and be heard.

So there is my story. A daugher who feels she has been left behind. I have four other siblings and they are still a family ... they have all continued on without me...