Search This Blog



Its the story every adoptee is told. Almost none of them have an original reason as to why they were separated from their original families. "I was young, poor, unmarried and thought you deserved more than what I could have given you." So banal.

 It breaks my heart that I have no special circumstances or fairy tale ending to make her different than other adoptees. I'm sad that all I have to offer her are cliches that everyone else hears. I want to give her something more. I want her to feel that her life isn't one shuffled into the category of... "my Mom couldn't take care of me so she found someone who could." I want the story of her beginnings to be unique not some overused slogan tossed around by the adoption industry. I want there to be more as to why I gave her up. I wish it were more meaningful than the same old story and threadbare generalizations that are given to those severed from their first families.

But I cant do that. I bought the story that was sold to me and now this is her reality.


This says so much!

I wish you’d just tell me

by teradanielle

If there are things that need saying, why not just say them?
Do you think I’m going to turn away and leave you?
That’s not going to happen.
Do you think if you are angry I’m going to fall apart?
Do you think you need to protect my feelings too?
No, I just want the truth.
No need to be mean, no need to be harsh
I do have a heart, although it’s not what it once was 
Be gentle if you can
But even anger is better than nothing
Don’t you know I love you just as you are?
No need for perfection
Please no more silences, don’t leave me to guess.
Each door that slams in my face
feels like another death
If you are angry, I say “you should be”
If you’re not, that’s okay too
Is it alright that I am?  
Would you think less of me then?
 All I want is to bridge this gap
You are my family, my heart
Tell me what do you need, what can I do?
If I could I’d heal this wound
for me and for you

Thank you so much  terradanielle for sharing this with the world.


I don't want to do this anymore.

The last few weeks I've noticed I am beginning to feel like myself again. I hate to admit this but for a little over a year I've been self medicating with alcohol, sleeping pills and anxiety meds whenever I needed to numb out...which was every weekend getting drunk and taking prescription meds the rest of the week. I'm trying really hard to tell myself that I'm not going through another stage of grief but I am. I don't want to. I want my life back.

I don't know why my daughter is acting the way she is. She has no idea how deep this pain is and I will never tell her. I would hate for her to think this is her fault.

There will be a big event coming up soon and I am now debating whether or not I should attend. Her adoptive Mom wants me there but I dont know if V does. I get the feeling from her that I am shameful to her and she would rather I not be around. That I'm that psycho birth Mom stalking her or my feelings are ridiculous and I need to just shut up and be superficial.

So tonight I want to self medicate. I want to scream. I want to take that piece of my brain out...that part of my heart that is hers I want to reclaim.

I want to go back to my hole where things were ok and I was just living life.


Feeling like a fraud

I am a Mother, but I am not. I have other children but I feel like its all just a facade and someone will find me out, that I had this other child who really isn't mine. I had to give her up because I sinned. I had to redeem myself from my huge mistake to remove the shame of what I did, the shame I brought upon my family...but that didn't happen. If anything I felt even more shame. I was a Mom but I wasn't.

But they said I would go on and have a beautiful life. They said giving her to a couple more deserving would enable me to have a perfect family later on. They said this wasn't a secret, this other baby, but was made to feel that I shouldn't talk about her.

When I went on to have other children I thought that would cover the dark spot inside. I could hide that other Motherhood in these children I was raising. Now I could pretend it didn't happen and finally claim Motherhood. Inevitably I would slip and the truth would come out that this vision I was trying to create was false. I was a marked woman. What I had wasn't all innocence and truth, I had a shadow on my soul.  This perfect picture I tried to paint of a Mom, Dad, 2.5 kids, a dog and picket fence shatters. I was just pretending to be a Mom with children with the man I married but because the other didnt belong to him it canceled out the authenticity of the Motherhood I claimed to any others who came after. I wasn't good enough for her and still not good enough for the children I have now.

Sometimes when she was with us I could say in my mind that we really were all a family. When we went on outings together, with all my children, I could pretend to the outside world that I was a real Mom because I had all my children together. Then we would have to take her home. Then the reality that I really am not her Mother was staring me in the face.

I still struggle with this feeling that I am really not a Mother, even though I have raised the others and they are all grown. Even though I have Mothered them and still do. When people find out I have another child that really isn't mine I feel shameful and embarrassed and feel it cancels out all the other familial accomplishments I have made... I'm still not a real Mom. It wasn't suppose to be like other people who make mistakes as in divorce and blended families. Surrendering her was suppose to wipe the slate clean. I married and stayed married and had the prescribed number of children. I did it "right". It didn't  I didn't hide the fact that I had another child with someone other than my husband. Im not fooling anyone.