I am a Mother, but I am not. I have other children but I feel like its all just a facade and someone will find me out, that I had this other child who really isn't mine. I had to give her up because I sinned. I had to redeem myself from my huge mistake to remove the shame of what I did, the shame I brought upon my family...but that didn't happen. If anything I felt even more shame. I was a Mom but I wasn't.
But they said I would go on and have a beautiful life. They said giving her to a couple more deserving would enable me to have a perfect family later on. They said this wasn't a secret, this other baby, but was made to feel that I shouldn't talk about her.
When I went on to have other children I thought that would cover the dark spot inside. I could hide that other Motherhood in these children I was raising. Now I could pretend it didn't happen and finally claim Motherhood. Inevitably I would slip and the truth would come out that this vision I was trying to create was false. I was a marked woman. What I had wasn't all innocence and truth, I had a shadow on my soul. This perfect picture I tried to paint of a Mom, Dad, 2.5 kids, a dog and picket fence shatters. I was just pretending to be a Mom with children with the man I married but because the other didnt belong to him it canceled out the authenticity of the Motherhood I claimed to any others who came after. I wasn't good enough for her and still not good enough for the children I have now.
Sometimes when she was with us I could say in my mind that we really were all a family. When we went on outings together, with all my children, I could pretend to the outside world that I was a real Mom because I had all my children together. Then we would have to take her home. Then the reality that I really am not her Mother was staring me in the face.
I still struggle with this feeling that I am really not a Mother, even though I have raised the others and they are all grown. Even though I have Mothered them and still do. When people find out I have another child that really isn't mine I feel shameful and embarrassed and feel it cancels out all the other familial accomplishments I have made... I'm still not a real Mom. It wasn't suppose to be like this...like other people who make mistakes as in divorce and blended families. Surrendering her was suppose to wipe the slate clean. I married and stayed married and had the prescribed number of children. I did it "right". It didn't I didn't hide the fact that I had another child with someone other than my husband. Im not fooling anyone.
This is exactly what the adoption industry and adopters want, you to feel like a fraud. The reality is that THEY are the frauds....
ReplyDeleteYes. This among so many other things. Interesting thing is I had/have an extremely open adoption and it was a private adoption but because of society (at least the one I grew up in) taught me these things about unwed Mothers. So I didn't have a social worker hammering them into my head, I had a childhood being told them.
DeleteSo powerful! Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteOf course you are her mother. If it wasn't for you, she wouldn't even be here and no one gets here unless they are born from their mother..
ReplyDeleteMaybe when your daughter has her first child she will be able to understand more where you are coming from and the pain that occupies the hole in your heart. Don't give up, give it time.
Thank you for your kind words. It is my hope that she comes around after she has kids but I am trying to also keep things in perspective and realize she may not. Ive but a lot of hope in things regarding her adoption only to be heartbroken in the past.
DeleteI can't even pretend to understand the pain you must endure considering the circumstances of the adoption and the way your birth daughter and her husband's family treat you. I can say that you're an amazing person who continues to try, who crusades on behalf of both birth parents and adoptive children. You're really quite remarkable and honestly, they're the ones who are missing out although I know you think it's the other way around. I hope someday, V comes to understand how difficult your entire adult life was and that she'll respond better and differently to you. If not, you can always say you've done your best for you have. I applaud you and I both admire and respect you.
ReplyDeleteThank you again Allie for your wise words. It has been a slow process this time around but I can feel the healing begin and hope to be able to say and feel with my whole heart that I have done done the best that I can!
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