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I don't want to do this anymore.

The last few weeks I've noticed I am beginning to feel like myself again. I hate to admit this but for a little over a year I've been self medicating with alcohol, sleeping pills and anxiety meds whenever I needed to numb out...which was every weekend getting drunk and taking prescription meds the rest of the week. I'm trying really hard to tell myself that I'm not going through another stage of grief but I am. I don't want to. I want my life back.

I don't know why my daughter is acting the way she is. She has no idea how deep this pain is and I will never tell her. I would hate for her to think this is her fault.

There will be a big event coming up soon and I am now debating whether or not I should attend. Her adoptive Mom wants me there but I dont know if V does. I get the feeling from her that I am shameful to her and she would rather I not be around. That I'm that psycho birth Mom stalking her or my feelings are ridiculous and I need to just shut up and be superficial.

So tonight I want to self medicate. I want to scream. I want to take that piece of my brain out...that part of my heart that is hers I want to reclaim.

I want to go back to my hole where things were ok and I was just living life.


  1. I do not understand. Why does your daughter have this wonderful, loving and caring woman want in her life not to replace what she already has but to add to her life in a very positive way and she won't accept it? Yet, I am in the exact opposite position where my birthmom could care less about me but I am here, still waiting with open arms. I know life isn't fair but I see this over and over and I have to wonder why I couldn't trade places with some of these adoptees.

    She has no idea the person she is missing out on. I do not understand why she is unwilling to let someone else into her life who will love her unconditionally, you already do, and she is throwing it away. Not to mention; why wouldn't she want more people to love her new baby the way only a grandmother can do?! It blows my mind and I cannot wrap my head around it.

    I am so incredibly sorry you are going through this. You truly do not deserve this. I wish she could only see what she is missing out on. Maybe one day she will realize that.

    Love you and many ((hugs)). You know I am always here for you <3

    1. Thank you so much. I so very much wish things hadnt turned out the way they have for you either!

      I know she is still young yet, from what I understand most adoptees dont start to grasp what adoption means to them until their 30's and 40's. I of course will still be here for her, I just need to figure out how to not let my heart be so vulnerable.

  2. I see your interactions with your other children and through conversations with you over the last couple of years, I've gotten to know the kind of person you are. I actually feel sorry for your oldest daughter. Her misplaced anger about you keeps her from having an open, honest, caring and loving relationship with a wonderful, beautiful mother with a gorgeous spirit. She's losing valuable time with you through her own anger and I hope that she works it out before too many more months go by.

    You, my friend, are an incredible person and she should know that. I don't think you can blame this on her age, either. I think she's got some issues she needs to work on and as for you, your vulnerable heart is part of what makes you so kind and loving but yes, it does leave you wide open for pain.

    Love you <3

    1. Thank you Allie for your kind words. I do try to be the best I can for people I love and care for, and that would include her.

      Although people tell me to wait until she has kids, then she will understand, but Im not sure she will. I've been told other things to "just wait for" that have never happened. I think that is a huge part of what I am dealing with now-just realizing our relationship isnt at all what I imagined it would be-and in a way its crushed me.

      I think you may be right about her misplaced anger!!

  3. I have been doing the same thing. Self medicating feelingjustt angery at the world. I also feel like feeling nothing is better then what Iam feeling now at this moment. I just want it all to go away. I am not however as brave as you. I can not share my story or my feelings because most around me put me down or get angry at me for who Iam not any more. I hate being defined as a "birthmother" Ihate that Iam not enough even for my self. I love you for being brave and saying how you feel. I love you for being a friend when it feels like most of the world is just out to get me.

    1. Thank you. It does make me happy (that isnt quite the right term) when I can be there for another Mom of loss especially when she has no one to turn to. It kind of feels like the reason Ive been put on this planet-to help other Moms feel like they arent as alone as they feel.

      For years I really didnt talk to anyone about it, sometimes if it came up and it felt safe I would talk about adoptions dirty little secrets, but for the most part I just didnt go there.