Feeling like a fraud

I am a Mother, but I am not. I have other children but I feel like its all just a facade and someone will find me out, that I had this other child who really isn't mine. I had to give her up because I sinned. I had to redeem myself from my huge mistake to remove the shame of what I did, the shame I brought upon my family...but that didn't happen. If anything I felt even more shame. I was a Mom but I wasn't.

But they said I would go on and have a beautiful life. They said giving her to a couple more deserving would enable me to have a perfect family later on. They said this wasn't a secret, this other baby, but was made to feel that I shouldn't talk about her.

When I went on to have other children I thought that would cover the dark spot inside. I could hide that other Motherhood in these children I was raising. Now I could pretend it didn't happen and finally claim Motherhood. Inevitably I would slip and the truth would come out that this vision I was trying to create was false. I was a marked woman. What I had wasn't all innocence and truth, I had a shadow on my soul.  This perfect picture I tried to paint of a Mom, Dad, 2.5 kids, a dog and picket fence shatters. I was just pretending to be a Mom with children with the man I married but because the other didnt belong to him it canceled out the authenticity of the Motherhood I claimed to any others who came after. I wasn't good enough for her and still not good enough for the children I have now.

Sometimes when she was with us I could say in my mind that we really were all a family. When we went on outings together, with all my children, I could pretend to the outside world that I was a real Mom because I had all my children together. Then we would have to take her home. Then the reality that I really am not her Mother was staring me in the face.

I still struggle with this feeling that I am really not a Mother, even though I have raised the others and they are all grown. Even though I have Mothered them and still do. When people find out I have another child that really isn't mine I feel shameful and embarrassed and feel it cancels out all the other familial accomplishments I have made... I'm still not a real Mom. It wasn't suppose to be like this...like other people who make mistakes as in divorce and blended families. Surrendering her was suppose to wipe the slate clean. I married and stayed married and had the prescribed number of children. I did it "right". It didn't  I didn't hide the fact that I had another child with someone other than my husband. Im not fooling anyone.