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Mid life crisis?

Im sitting here looking at my screen wanting to write so much but I cant form the words. So I'm just going to start typing.

The last year has been hell. I have been self medicating with alcohol every weekend and using my prescription sleeping pills almost every night. My therapist doesn't see this as a problem as the drinking is only once a week, but I do because it isn't normal behavior for me. But I feel stuck. I am in this weird place I've never been before. I'm angry but I'm not. I'm depressed but I'm not I want change but everything is ok. Is it hormones? Am I at the beginning of peri-menopause? I cant even get my crap together to call and make an appointment.

I have begun this nervous tick thing where I think my ear canal itches. The last time this happened, last year, I had it checked out but the doc said I need to leave it alone and gave me a cream. I know this is some weird mental outlet thing and it is driving me crazy.

About a week ago the hubby and I went out to dinner alone. We have a relative of his living with us that I would rather have move on with life. It gets to a point I cant deal with what feels like an intrusion on my life and we fight about it. Apparently I've been extra rude about it lately but he wont listen to me and help make our home a safe place to land. At dinner I was to the point of tears several times and at one point almost walked out. I cant keep living like this and not be heard. Even typing this I'm feeling sick to my stomach.

The thing is I have no means to take care of myself. We had made the choice years ago, due to his career of us having to move every few years, that I would be a stay at home Mom. Sure I had jobs time to time, but they were just to help make ends meet and would never sustain someone living by themselves. So here I am feeling stuck and not heard.

The good thing I guess is that at least I don't feel I have to keep quiet about adoption like I use to. I still tread lightly and feel like I talk about it too much but part of me says screw it I'm talking about it anyway. I'm sure everyone thinks I'm obsessed. Oh well, I need to learn to stop putting so much weight to what other people think.


  1. The more you talk about it, the more you get out there and the less you'll need to self medicate. KEEP TALKING! You know we love you and are here for you.

    1. You know I never thought about it that way. And I do need to go easy on myself a little. Maybe thats what the therapist meant by not being too worried.

  2. :(
    I hope you figure out the trouble soon enough, and start feeling better!