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It's funny when you start to work through things how lost memories can return. Yesterday I was minding my own business when another memory from my pregnancy came to me.

When it was "announced" that I had become pregnant our church or the youth group leaders had decided that I wasn't going to be allowed to attend any of their youth group functions anymore. Guess I was a bad influence. BUT! There was another girl who was about 4-5 months ahead of me in her pregnancy (and she was keeping her baby) that was allowed to continue. Maybe because she didn't attend regularly and her parents weren't members of the our church. I don't know why none of this seemed unfair to me at the time. I believe it was because I thought I deserved to be punished. I had committed a sin. I had a red A on my forehead.

I also find it interesting that there were two other small things I remembered that I wanted to add to this and now they are gone from my brain. So much I have locked away, but it feels good to start remembering it all again. Makes me feel like I'm not as crazy as I feel sometimes. That people really did mistreat me in a bigger way than I was letting myself remember. I was taking on the responsibility for things that were not my responsibility. I was soooo young and so very naive for a 17 year old. I had no idea of anything really beyond what happened in our house.


  1. I am glad that you are finding your voice. I would feel betrayed if my mother had been able to go visit my baby after convincing me to place her... and I couldn't see her. The more you remember, the more healing can take place.

    The agencies and lawyers, often times, convince parents to convince us moms to place. I'm not sure if it is the case, but either way, you should have had support to keep your baby.

    If you are interested in participating in holding agencies and lawyers accountable for their unethical practices, please join us at or visit my blog for more info.

    1. Yeah I was deeply hurt but at the time was made to feel like I should be lucky ANY of us get to see her.

      I will definitely check out your blog! I know a few first mothers who this had happened to and it is an outrage!