The next few weeks after she was born were pure torture. I wanted
so badly to go see her. I felt if I could just see her & hold her it would
ease a little of the pain and feelings of missing her. I even asked her
adoptive Mom if I could just come for a visit. She told me their lawyer told
them it wasn't a good idea. Knowing what I know now, it was possibly the lawyer
feared I would change my mind if I did. I don’t blame her a-Mom for this at
all.
About a week or so after she was born, My Mom, step –dad and three
half siblings went over to their house for a visit. I felt this was SO very
unfair. They took pictures and had dinner with them. Visited and cuddled with
her. I was actually quite angry but didn’t say or do anything to change it.
About the same time the package of photos I had ordered from the
hospital photographs arrived. This would be my lifeline to my daughter for a
very long time. I wore the locket near my heart every day. I framed one and
placed it next to my bed. I put a key chain photo on my key ring.
Two weeks after I had her, I got a job at the local drive in
theater. I was in such a state of grieving. Whenever someone came into the
snack bar where I worked with a baby, I always asked how old? Then referred to
the necklace with her photo on it & said “This is my daughter and she is X
old” I HATED when there were questions after that though. It’s like I just
wanted the world to know I was her Mom! That what happened to us really did
happen! That I wasn't a bad person or bad Mom because she wasn't with me. “They”
told me this was the best choice, the mature thing to do! So why is it that
when I say “I gave her up” people disregard me? Treat me like I’m not a “real”
Mom.
At the hospital I ordered her original birth certificate, just in
case. In case of what I wasn't sure. Maybe it was that I wanted SOMETHING to
acknowledge the fragile connection I had to her. Maybe it was fear of them
taking her and moving somewhere where I couldn't find them. I really don’t have
an answer for that. And since I hadn't picked a name out for her (a name did come to me when I saw her but I felt that
was their “right” to name her) I just put the name they gave her with my maiden
name. I really wish now that I had given her a name of my own.
Was the adoption a personal adoption? Did you family know the family who adopted your daughter? How in the world did your mother and stepdad work it in their heads that it was ok for them to visit your daughter, and that you couldn't? Did they keep in contact with her afamily? Wow.
ReplyDeleteForgive me if I am asking too many questions. I just found your blog today... I am reading your story, so if you answer any of those questions in future posts, don't feel obligated to answer here (or at all, really). I am just trying to understand...
Prayers for you,
Grace
Hi and thank you for reading and commenting.
ReplyDeleteYes I did know the a-parents, there were friends of my parents. I did enjoy the "other side" of my adoption experience in that I had a very close relationship with her a-parents. There were no jealousies or resentments from them.
Im not sure what was going through their hears but they has a twisted view of how things should be in the world. Perhaps they felt if I saw her I would change my mind. This thought just came to me...funny how they were so excited and happy for her to be with them but sooooo, can I say, hateful towards me.
You may have been a reminder to them that you were fertile and they weren't. What right did you have as a 17 year-old to be able to conceive and birth a child? Just my guess.
ReplyDeleteWhat name came to mind? I am curious.
Actually her adoptive parents have never had jealousies. They are truly incredible people who are very dear to me. There has never been a possessiveness over our daughter and for that Im thankful. I truly did have an exceptional situation in choosing them to parent my daughter. But of course, as I wrote in a later entry here, it was confusing to filter out the two different things..my pain vs how awesome I had it with them in my life.
DeleteUnfortunately I dont want to say the name I thought of in case any of my family finds this blog (a select few do know the name - very few) and I really dont want to censor myself. I want my truth to be heard even if its my a few people. I do refer to her as V in the blog though.
I felt exactly the same about the naming process and I did exactly the same as you as well. Wish I was strong enough to get his original birth certificate.
ReplyDelete