When your lost baby has a baby.

This is something that has been heavy on my mind lately. My surrendered daughter and her husband are trying to conceive at the moment and I have a lot of emotions surrounding this. What I'm afraid of feeling once she is pregnant is sadness. I can already feel it creeping in actually and the fragile wall I need to put up to show a happy face. I really cant put into words what this deep sadness is.

I have about a million things swirling around in my head. When she got married and her adoptive Mom said things about grand kids I remember worrying that if they couldn't get pregnant that they would turn to adoption. How could I happily go along with something knowing the pain and grief they were causing someone else? How could I say anything and risk looking like the crazy first Mom? I know that if this is indeed what happens that I will have to keep quiet and look happy.

Then there are the conflicting feelings that are coming up. I was talking to her adoptive Mom a few days ago and she said my daughter and husband have been trying for a while to conceive and she just isn't pregnant yet. My first thought when she said this kind of shocked me. My thought was that if they adopted I wouldn't feel as sad than if she gave birth.  Because in giving birth and her knowing that bond would make her happier that I gave her away. Her knowing what that feels like and how deep that love you feel for your newborn would reinforce her feelings of being glad she was placed, thus reinforcing my not being good enough to be her Mom.

I need to explore some of these things I have going on in my head. Aside from the sadness I am fearful. Fearful that if she has a baby she will be angry with me for giving her up. She would know that deep bond that a Mother has with her newborn and not understand how someone could give their baby away. Now she has never been an angry person so I don't know where this fear is coming from. My guess is from the studies and things I have read about how some adoptees in general feel about their adoptions.

And then there is the fact that she will be giving birth in the same hospital where she was born. Great.

Dont drink the adoption kool aid

I get so frustrated when I come in contact with new first moms who are so happy that they sacrificed themselves for a couple they think is more deserving and more entitled to their baby. I am tired of those who look at me like I'm some bitter middle aged woman who needs to get over it or assume I had a horrible experience with my daughters adoptive parents. Am I an angry first Mom? Not really but I do get mad when people try to diminish what happens when you leave the hospital without your child!

To pretend it doesn't happen today is just to bury your head in the sand. I know of plenty of Moms who were tricked out of their babies. Agencies STILL do things to convince expectant Moms they aren't good for their babies. They brainwash expectant Moms into believing this is a gift they are giving to their child. They persuade them to sign papers that will leave these young women devastated. It is these Moms who today are made to believe THEY made this choice when really they are just as coerced into it as I was. Some wont even begin to let themselves fully realize what they have done but will convince themselves that what they did was beautiful because they made another family so happy. But at what price? Its a price they cant or wont begin to calculate. They look at people who are real about what adoption does to Moms as though we are bitter and negative and it will be different for them.


I am a Mother who was cheated out of her child. That kind of pain doesnt go away.

Opinions.

Recently a first Mom friend of mine was interviewed for an internet show. She is a new Mom, it's been only six months, and the adoptive parents have closed their agreed upon open adoption. (which seems to happen more often than not in so called open adoptions today)

After the show aired there were quite a few comments left that were anywhere from sympathetic to hateful. After reading through some of the comments, it was shocking to see some of the negative responses. Statements that first Moms who want to have contact with their child are merely wanting a babysitter, to drop in and out of her child's life whenever she chooses. They just don't understand how important it is to most adoptees to truly know where they came from and for Moms to know their child is healthy and happy. We don't want to interfere with the parenting, that isnt our job anymore, but we want to be there for our child to answer questions and give them our love. They deserve that.

It seems that people are stuck in the 1950's when it comes to adoption. They think a first parents should be erased from the picture, much like our names on the original birth certificate. We are suppose to keep quiet and swallow our pill gratefully.

As for my friend, my wish for her is to have healing and peace. She is an amazing young woman.

Finding out I was pregnant.

The day I found out I was pregnant will forever be clear in my mind. I happened to be home from school that day because I was sick (was it morning sickness? One of those things I don’t remember) and my step-dad was also home. Back then when you needed a pregnancy test you gave a sample then had to wait a few days for the results. Just as my Mom and step dad were getting ready to leave the phone rang. My Mom answered it. I was lying down resting on the couch in the other room, but I could hear her. From the sound of her voice I knew who it was and from her reaction that the test had been positive. I was filled with so much happiness and I smiled secretly to myself.

Of course they weren't happy about it at all. As my step-dad was in the doorway, getting ready to leave he said a few angry words to me. He said I couldn't live with them if I kept it, couldn't get welfare and I wasn't going to give it up for adoption to get out of my responsibilities. The ironic thing about the adoption comment is that even though this is what I was pressured into, he STILL to this day thinks I gave her up so I didn't have to face responsibilities. But at that moment I wasn't sad or scared. I was thrilled for the life I had inside me and knew it would all work out somehow.

I was SOOOO naïve that whatever they told me I believed as truth. I really thought because they said I couldn't get assistance, then they must know of some reason why I couldn't get it. I knew they would have kicked me out if I had kept her. He really didn't give me many options. Confusing to say the least but in that moment I didn't care. Inside I was already in love with her. I knew a tiny heart was beating and it made me happy. I often wonder at this reaction. I was 17 and living at home. I was still in High School with no idea what I was going to do after. But here I was thrilled to be pregnant.

Realizations.

It's funny when you start to work through things how lost memories can return. Yesterday I was minding my own business when another memory from my pregnancy came to me.

When it was "announced" that I had become pregnant our church or the youth group leaders had decided that I wasn't going to be allowed to attend any of their youth group functions anymore. Guess I was a bad influence. BUT! There was another girl who was about 4-5 months ahead of me in her pregnancy (and she was keeping her baby) that was allowed to continue. Maybe because she didn't attend regularly and her parents weren't members of the our church. I don't know why none of this seemed unfair to me at the time. I believe it was because I thought I deserved to be punished. I had committed a sin. I had a red A on my forehead.

I also find it interesting that there were two other small things I remembered that I wanted to add to this and now they are gone from my brain. So much I have locked away, but it feels good to start remembering it all again. Makes me feel like I'm not as crazy as I feel sometimes. That people really did mistreat me in a bigger way than I was letting myself remember. I was taking on the responsibility for things that were not my responsibility. I was soooo young and so very naive for a 17 year old. I had no idea of anything really beyond what happened in our house.

Mid life crisis?

Im sitting here looking at my screen wanting to write so much but I cant form the words. So I'm just going to start typing.

The last year has been hell. I have been self medicating with alcohol every weekend and using my prescription sleeping pills almost every night. My therapist doesn't see this as a problem as the drinking is only once a week, but I do because it isn't normal behavior for me. But I feel stuck. I am in this weird place I've never been before. I'm angry but I'm not. I'm depressed but I'm not I want change but everything is ok. Is it hormones? Am I at the beginning of peri-menopause? I cant even get my crap together to call and make an appointment.

I have begun this nervous tick thing where I think my ear canal itches. The last time this happened, last year, I had it checked out but the doc said I need to leave it alone and gave me a cream. I know this is some weird mental outlet thing and it is driving me crazy.

About a week ago the hubby and I went out to dinner alone. We have a relative of his living with us that I would rather have move on with life. It gets to a point I cant deal with what feels like an intrusion on my life and we fight about it. Apparently I've been extra rude about it lately but he wont listen to me and help make our home a safe place to land. At dinner I was to the point of tears several times and at one point almost walked out. I cant keep living like this and not be heard. Even typing this I'm feeling sick to my stomach.

The thing is I have no means to take care of myself. We had made the choice years ago, due to his career of us having to move every few years, that I would be a stay at home Mom. Sure I had jobs time to time, but they were just to help make ends meet and would never sustain someone living by themselves. So here I am feeling stuck and not heard.

The good thing I guess is that at least I don't feel I have to keep quiet about adoption like I use to. I still tread lightly and feel like I talk about it too much but part of me says screw it I'm talking about it anyway. I'm sure everyone thinks I'm obsessed. Oh well, I need to learn to stop putting so much weight to what other people think.

The next few weeks after she was born were pure torture. I wanted so badly to go see her. I felt if I could just see her & hold her it would ease a little of the pain and feelings of missing her. I even asked her adoptive Mom if I could just come for a visit. She told me their lawyer told them it wasn't a good idea. Knowing what I know now, it was possibly the lawyer feared I would change my mind if I did. I don’t blame her a-Mom for this at all.

About a week or so after she was born, My Mom, step –dad and three half siblings went over to their house for a visit. I felt this was SO very unfair. They took pictures and had dinner with them. Visited and cuddled with her. I was actually quite angry but didn’t say or do anything to change it.

About the same time the package of photos I had ordered from the hospital photographs arrived. This would be my lifeline to my daughter for a very long time. I wore the locket near my heart every day. I framed one and placed it next to my bed. I put a key chain photo on my key ring.

Two weeks after I had her, I got a job at the local drive in theater. I was in such a state of grieving. Whenever someone came into the snack bar where I worked with a baby, I always asked how old? Then referred to the necklace with her photo on it & said “This is my daughter and she is X old” I HATED when there were questions after that though. It’s like I just wanted the world to know I was her Mom! That what happened to us really did happen! That I wasn't a bad person or bad Mom because she wasn't with me. “They” told me this was the best choice, the mature thing to do! So why is it that when I say “I gave her up” people disregard me? Treat me like I’m not a “real” Mom.

At the hospital I ordered her original birth certificate, just in case. In case of what I wasn't sure. Maybe it was that I wanted SOMETHING to acknowledge the fragile connection I had to her. Maybe it was fear of them taking her and moving somewhere where I couldn't find them. I really don’t have an answer for that. And since I hadn't picked a name out for her (a name did come to me when I saw her but I felt that was their “right” to name her) I just put the name they gave her with my maiden name. I really wish now that I had given her a name of my own.

Leaving the hospital with empty arms.

Leaving the hospital was hard. I mean really hard. I just kept holding her and wishing I could ingrain my thoughts into her tiny head. I was so afraid she would hate me when she grew older because of who I chose to be her parents. You see even in this I was somewhat talked into as well. 

My mom showed up to take me home and had my little sister with her. She had fallen down on the playground and scraped her face up. I was so angry inside (but definitely didn't show it)  because this was an intimate moment and the less people around the better and I especially didn't want my sister there, we had never had a sisterly relationship. This day was being treated as though I had been away and was being picked up to go home. There were some last photos taken but it was more like there was this novelty we were recording. There was even a photo with my daughter and sister with her scraped up face! It seems as though there was no gravity given to what that day really meant.

As I walked her bassinet over to the nursery, the nurse who had been helping me that morning was sitting at the back desk. She looked up at me & had tears in her eyes. I couldn't take another step. I pushed the bassinet towards her & turned crying, rushing back to my room where my Mother and sister were waiting for me.

The rest of that day is a blur. I remember my step-dad coming home and that’s about it.

The next evening, the pastor from our church and his wife stopped by. It was a church tradition for them to stop by and visit at the hospital anytime a new baby was born. Not so for me. I was tainted. I was a second class citizen who would be LUCKY if I could find a decent husband now.

The social worker at the hospital had taken a few Polaroid’s for me, because she knew it might take a while for us to get the photo’s developed that we had taken (this actually was excellent foresight on her part because I carried that around with me for weeks until I did get actual photos back). After my parents & I visited with the pastor and his wife for a while, I brought out one of the Polaroid’s to show them. As the wife gazed at the photo, I began crying again. She put her arm around me & said “I know hun. Some lessons are harder to learn than others”. I stopped crying instantly. This went way past the lesson part. I learned my “lesson” when I found out I was pregnant at 17, no husband, no support, and had to figure out what I was going to do! This was not about lessons anymore. In a way this sent me the beginning of the message ---no one wants to hear about it. As soon as she said those words I stopped crying immediately. Some of the things that were said to me still amaze me to this day.

Changing it up

When I began this blog I thought I would need more of an outlet for the issues I have had concerning my family. Turns out I worked through the issues my mothers illness brought pretty quickly. There have been other things this and a few other situations that have triggered something that has been even bigger in my life...the relinquishment of my first born for adoption.

My mother had a huge part in this as did my step father and the church we attended. Last winter the life long effects of adoption began creeping back in again due to a few life events. I've gone back into therapy and found a support group and have joined several online support groups as well.

I am changing the direction of the blog as I have a lot more to say about my adoption experience than I do about my molestation, although that did alter the path of my life, life as a first(birth) Mom has had a much much larger impact. It has changed the person I have become, the mother I am and the wife I've grown to be.