Trapping the innocent.

I recently encountered a young expectant mom who was fairly early on in her pregnancy. She is gung ho about relinquishing her baby for adoption before even having felt it move inside her. She has contacted an agency and they have already given her family profiles, one of which she has already chosen to raise her baby.

Situations like this leave me feeling so helpless. I want to scream to her to make her see how these adults in her life are trapping her into handing her flesh and blood over to strangers. Of course by the time the baby is born these people wont be "strangers" to her anymore, but they will be to her baby, genetically and otherwise. This is how the industry insures that the business continues and the paychecks keep coming in. Throwing an expectant Mom in with hopeful adoptive parents and fostering a relationship between them will ensure the goods are delivered. If the Mom wants to change her mind, how can she without breaking the hearts of these people who have invested so much in her child? She is cornered.

I understand the thought behind behind pre-birth matching-that the baby and adoptive parents can bond as early as possible. Why not wait? There is a lifetime for decisions to be made, why does it have to be before the Mom really knows what is happening to her and her child? What difference does a few months make? Well I know of one, if a Mother holds her child and without outside influences, there is no way she would be able to hand that baby over to another woman.

My situation was a little different. I chose friends of our family to raise my daughter. Even though they (her adoptive parents) didnt put a lot of pressure on me, they did ask me on more than one occasion if I was going to change my mind. My family and church community reinforced this by telling me that I needed to be responsible and not go back on my word, it would break the adoptive parents hearts. So I was trapped and not given any other options.

The day before she was born.

The day before I went into labor an incredible thing happened. As I was two weeks overdue and my parents had planned a trip out of town to visit my grandma, I went to stay with some friends of the family. They lived in a beautiful house at the top of a steep hill overlooking a stunning valley.

As I was waiting for their daughter, who was about my age, to get home from school, I went and sat on a three seater swing they had that faced the beautiful valley below. As I was sitting there enjoying the cool spring breeze and the beautiful view I had a rush of feelings come over me…like my baby was reaching out to bond with me. For most of the pregnancy I had somewhat tried to disconnect myself from her because I knew she wouldn't be mine. But in those moments the love I had for her flowed through my veins. It was an amazing moment. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED being pregnant. I loved to feel her moving around in there. I loved at doctor appointments listening to her heart beating. Even though I relished those things I knew I couldn't keep her, that she wouldn't be mine, so I kept my heart at a distance. But in that moment it was like she was trying to say..hey I'm here! It was such a rush of love for her that I had been trying to keep at bay. I loved my baby more than I knew I did and that love, just a day before she was born, was beginning to seep into my soul.

My adult adoptee daughter

Does she have feelings of rejection? Does she need to hear things from me that I haven't said? Is her need for perfection just a part of who she is or is it because she feels she will be rejected if she isn't? Does she feel anger at watching me raise her half siblings and them having more financially? Does she think sometimes, unconsciously or not, if she kept them why didnt she keep me? Does she fiercely protect her adoptive parents out of fear of being abandoned?  Is she really just a well adjusted young adult that my family members insist she is? Do those family member even know or understand the issues of an adoptee? If she does have these issues will she ever talk with me about them? 

I would love to open the door but don't know how. I am afraid if I bring up any of these issues she will be insulted, reject me and be angry with me and shut me out of her life more than she already does. There are things I have observed from my distance that I see are little signs that she does have some of the issues a lot of adoptees have to deal with. I wonder though if because we had/have such an open adoption and we were very much in her life growing up that she doesn't feel she has permission to explore these things.

There are so many thing I was told over the years that haven't rung true. There are many things I thought would be that aren't and it is breaking my heart.