One of the things I've been working on in therapy is forgiving that young girl who didn't know any better, who trusted the adults to do what was right. To not judge her for things she didn't know about the world or her innocence and naiveness.
Tonight I just want to scream. I want to be heard. I want to be validated. I don't want people telling me I didn't have a gun held to my head to sign those papers...hell I didn't even know I was signing TPR when I signed it! I was young and just did what I was told to do because I had made a huge mistake and needed to redeem myself and lift the shame on my family. I didn't KNOW any better! How could I have? I lived in a very religious and sheltered household. I didn't go to public school until 8th grade and even then I was restricted from having friends at school and was so scared of the evils that could happen to me that I really didn't make but a few friends anyway. No wonder I finally rebelled at 17 and had sex...without knowing how to prevent pregnancy because those things weren't talked about in our house...and became pregnant.
I know all these things so why is it so hard for me to own them? Why do I still blame myself for things I think I should have known better about but didn't?
I find it amazing that I could go from feeling like I was in a place where I could start moving forward again back to this in one day over one thing someone I dont even know said to me.
I'm not a first mom, but I hold myself very responsible for my granddaughter being relinquished. I constantly go through the "I should have known's". I've had many people remind me that "hindsight is 20/20". If I didn't know what adoption was and I was in my 40's when my granddaughter was relinquished; I would never expect a 17 year old to know. Even today I wouldn't expect that let alone 25 years ago. It's hard to forgive ourselves. This is what has sent me to therapy, too.
ReplyDeleteThe law makes it illegal for the potential adoptive parents or their representatives to threaten a mother into signing a TPR. In reality, the mother's family should be barred as well. IMO, they hold even more power than the PAP's.
I am sorry for your loss to adoption.
Thank you! I totally see what you're saying and I do wonder if I did know these things if I would have obeyed my parents anyway. I was the kid that was quiet and never got into trouble, until this of course. So to redeem the shame I'd caused for my family I still would may have done it.
DeleteIt may be illegal to threaten a Mom to sign but there are more subtle ways of coercion, like pre birth matching. Talk about pressure! How are you suppose to change your mind when you have this sweet excited couple in the delivery room cutting the cord!
Ahhh yes, the "You had a choice! No one was there holding a gun to your head forcing you to sign those papers!" Well, maybe not a tangible gun, but an "emotional gun" none-the-less. I have had that comment made to me several times...once from my own mother (who held the emotional gun, btw). It's a way to let the "guilty parties" off the hook. You have a combination of things in our case...youth, unwavering trust in parents at that point, hormone overload, fear, vulnerability, and intense love for our child. All of that gets used against us in a manipulative way. Do you remember the pressure?? We were also against a dead-line. How many times did I tell everyone that "if I could just hold her inside for a couple of years" that I'd be ready (by everyone else's definition) to take care of her? We didn't have an infinite amount of time to come up with a plan. The biggest gun they used against us was the love we had/have for our babies. Our God-given instinct is to protect our children even if it means we die in the process. It IS what it is. When you are repeatedly told that we will bring about pain and suffering to your child, SUFFERING, you do what you have to do. You throw yourself in front of that "train" and let it run over you instead of your baby. What we didn't know is that there were options. We didn't know there was help for us and that our situations would change with time...that it wasn't as "hopeless" as the Powers-that-Be said it was.
ReplyDeleteWe (bf and I) signed the TPR in the social worker's office (who was also a notary) with no legal counsel of our own. Social worker "explained" what was being signed, and that there was no need for us to go to court. I had no idea why we'd need to go to court at that time. Now I know that we could have shown up and contested the adoption. Don't know if it would have done any good since in TX, once the papers are signed, there is no revocation period. BUT, the adoption apparently wasn't final for 6 mos. We were not given a full explanation of what was going on legally...except once the papers were signed, it was a done deal. But was it??
Don't let those kinds of comments get to you. It's justification used by others who gained at our expense.
I never once saw a lawyer either. When she was about 18 months I was called by a county social worker to sign some papers. I met her, she asked me questions I don't remember but I think they were along the lines of, are you willingly placing for adoption...so I signed but I thought they were just to take to court on court day. Well I found about a month later that only the aparents went and what I had signed TPR. Vs mom was sooo gentle with me when she realized what happened, that I didn't realize what I had signed.
DeleteOh and of course there's the other important element to that "emotional gun"...the threats! No place to live, no family standing by you, no family loving the baby, having to live in the streets, no money to feed the child...and on and on.
ReplyDeleteHmmph...forgot about all that
Heh...yeah the reality part...that no one would help or support us, they just told us how we couldn't do it and would fail.
DeleteI agree Roni! How could I have possibly known what I was signing and what a life sentence it was going to be. I had no idea what it would mean to my life, being forced to give away my son, then my 2nd son. My parents thought it was what was best, but how could they have known that? They didn't know anyone who had placed a baby before. They have apologized and I have forgiven them.
ReplyDeleteThat is amazing and so loving that they apologized to you!!
DeleteI haven't spoken to my Mom and step dad for over 15 years but family members have told me that when it comes up my mom always says she's glad she forced me to do it. Nice call Mom, do you ever wonder why your daughter won't talk to you yet?