My daughter is pregnant. I feel wrong to to have the feelings Im experiencing. Of course as I mentioned before I knew they were trying. I knew this was coming. But when I was told it kind of hit me in a weird way.
One thing that came to mind was that I almost, for the first time ever, wished that the adoption would have been closed. Now before anyone scoffs at that let me tell you why. For a lot of closed adoptions reunions dont happen when the adoptee turns 18...they are later...like after the adoptee has had their children. Coming into a relationship with your lost child after they have had their children is different than having to watch it all happen from the shadows. Yes even as open as our adoption is/was I am still watching from the shadows. Her adoptive mom is receiving the congratulations on FB and from elsewhere...I am not even a blip on the radar. So I am being relegated to the back.
I really am trying to be ok with this. I will be attending the baby shower and will have to put on my happy face...happy to be the Mom who wasnt, and still isnt, good enough to keep her daughter with her. Smile as I watch friends and family make a big deal about this grandbaby... who is mine...but not really... I will go see them once the baby arrives and will have to pretend this is such an awesome thing...and thats just it, I dont want to have to pretend. I truly want to be ok with it. I guess thats one of the reasons it takes nine months for a baby to arrive...so everyone can adjust to the changes.
Before anyone says anything about closed vs. open adoptions I just have to say that of course I know having them in my life is a blessing and Im lucky to not just have known where she was and safe but to be active in their lives. I know that. I just couldnt help feeling like wishing I didnt have to play a role in this...from the sidelines...again.
Waiting to see what the next 6 months will bring.
Open adoption is NOT easy...when I read the feelings you are experiencing, I am sad. My daughter is still very young, but I often think about these kind of future events and how it might be...will she really accept me and will I truly be a part of, or just sort of an outsider looking in? I hope this amazing time in your daughters life will bring you closer together.
ReplyDeleteThat is my hope too. A lot of people have told me over the past year that they have been trying that once she has her own she will understand...will want to know me better now that she is an adult...but I've relied on other things people told me over the years (like because it's an open adoption her & I would have a relationship) and have been so disappointed.
DeleteO hope for you too that you can develop a relationship with your daughter. I think the biggest advice I have on that is to not be afraid to reach out to her...talk to her often as she gets older. I was afraid of her rejection so I did keep somewhat of a distance from her.
Congratulations, Grandma!! There is no reason that this grandchild should ever feel the "after-effects" of adoption in his/her life. He or she will just have more grandparents to love and dote on them! I hope that is how it will play out for you. Yes, I have also heard that when the adoptee has her own child, it awakens feelings in them that make them want to be closer to their birthmom. Again, I hope this will be the case. I never got to know my mom's bio-parents, and I count that as a HUGE loss for me, as well as my kids. Your grandchild won't have to experience that.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I will have to face this issue with my "birth" daughter since she isn't in a "traditional" relationship. Time will tell I suppose!!
Keep us updated!
Thank you Amy! I am really going to work hard on this!
DeleteI think it all goes back to feeling we don't have the "right" to claim our lost children as "ours." But that grandbaby deserves it's heritage and ancestry...as well as your love. You are very much a part of that...an irreplaceable part. They told us we were replaceable...but we aren't.
DeleteI have been reunited with my son for 4 years, his kids are 6 and 3. While I have never met them, I do send them cards & gifts ~ so through that they do know of their "Grandma Susie". While I would love to have a true relationship with them, it does help that at least I have the "title" with them.
ReplyDeleteI hope that the birth of this new grandchild opens a new chapter in your life. Adoption took away your motherhood, hopefully it won't also take away your grand-motherhood!
I am totally hoping the same thing! They dont live anywhere near us so being an active Grandma would be difficult but I do plan on doing the things you said you do too!
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