Although I was already feeling out of place and a bit awkward the morning of the wedding was great! We all had our make up done and took some great photos. I think because it was just us girls on her side of the family I felt more at home. More like just one of the family members.
Her adoptive Mom was so nervous and excited. When we arrived at the venue she made sure I knew I was sitting next to her. It ended up her adoptive Dad was able to walk her down the isle. We all were seated and her adoptive Mom took a hold of my hand and didn't let go!
I was feeling so out of place though. I knew there were members of her adoptive family and their friends there who didnt approve of not only my being there but me being in their lives at all. Ever. I knew they were sitting behind us and I felt like to them I had no right to be there let alone sitting next to the "real" Mother of the bride. Through the whole ceremony her adoptive Mom held my hand and has tears rolling down her face. I know this was a moment she had looked forward to since V was little. She would say things to me like...you ARE going to be right next to me crying the day she gets married!! You are her Mom too.
I was so distracted by everything else I couldn't be in the moment. All the things said and implied when I was that scared pregnant teen, the shame I felt and still did, was creeping in and I didn't know it. I WANTED to be happy! I WANTED this to be an incredible day! Instead I kept sinking and I couldn't stop it even though I was trying to keep a hold on it. Trying to stay above water.
There ceremony was over and a family member of mine who knew her now husbands parents grabbed me as I walked by while they were talking to introduce me, not knowing we already had been. I thought, oh good now they will hear who I am because we aren't in a noisy room. I was sure the reaction I got the first time was because they didn't understand. Nope. Same reaction. "Yeah we met" then turned back to their conversation with the family member.
We all moved to a spot to take the formal after the wedding photos and stood together for the group shot. I stepped over to the side waiting for all the other small groups to be photographed and talked with my husband and kids. My back was sort of to where the photos were being taken so I wasn't paying too much attention, I was just waiting to be called back for the shots of her side of the family. Then I heard...ok I think that's all of them. I was never called back. I turned to my family and tried desperately to stop the tears. I said I wanted to leave...NOW! My family is so incredible. The all "huddled" around me and my son asked if I wanted to take a walk with him. Somehow my step Mom saw this and called the photographers attention to get shots with my family. Looking back now I'm embarrassed because it was like...a photo with us wasn't wanted and here we were on display...the teenager who had loose morals and her pretend family.
I made it through the rest of the reception with the help of a few margaritas and the love of my family (even with one of their friend opposed to my presence sitting across from me at our table and giving me looks..never saying a word to me).I still feel like I am processing all that happened. It has affected the relationship I have with V and her family, at least on my part. I am more withdrawn than I use to be with them. I really want to go back to the place I was before the wedding. I want to feel like the other people don't matter and the only thing is that they love me. That all that matters is what they think. That is where I want to be by the time their baby is born.
