Cliche

Its the story every adoptee is told. Almost none of them have an original reason as to why they were separated from their original families. "I was young, poor, unmarried and thought you deserved more than what I could have given you." So banal.

 It breaks my heart that I have no special circumstances or fairy tale ending to make her different than other adoptees. I'm sad that all I have to offer her are cliches that everyone else hears. I want to give her something more. I want her to feel that her life isn't one shuffled into the category of... "my Mom couldn't take care of me so she found someone who could." I want the story of her beginnings to be unique not some overused slogan tossed around by the adoption industry. I want there to be more as to why I gave her up. I wish it were more meaningful than the same old story and threadbare generalizations that are given to those severed from their first families.

But I cant do that. I bought the story that was sold to me and now this is her reality.

This says so much!

I wish you’d just tell me

by teradanielle

If there are things that need saying, why not just say them?

Do you think I’m going to turn away and leave you?

That’s not going to happen.

Do you think if you are angry I’m going to fall apart?

Do you think you need to protect my feelings too?

No, I just want the truth.

No need to be mean, no need to be harsh

I do have a heart, although it’s not what it once was 

Be gentle if you can

But even anger is better than nothing

Don’t you know I love you just as you are?

No need for perfection

Please no more silences, don’t leave me to guess.

Each door that slams in my face

feels like another death

If you are angry, I say “you should be”

If you’re not, that’s okay too

Is it alright that I am?  

Would you think less of me then?

 All I want is to bridge this gap

You are my family, my heart

Tell me what do you need, what can I do?

If I could I’d heal this wound

for me and for you

Thank you so much  terradanielle for sharing this with the world.

I don't want to do this anymore.

The last few weeks I've noticed I am beginning to feel like myself again. I hate to admit this but for a little over a year I've been self medicating with alcohol, sleeping pills and anxiety meds whenever I needed to numb out...which was every weekend getting drunk and taking prescription meds the rest of the week. I'm trying really hard to tell myself that I'm not going through another stage of grief but I am. I don't want to. I want my life back.

I don't know why my daughter is acting the way she is. She has no idea how deep this pain is and I will never tell her. I would hate for her to think this is her fault.

There will be a big event coming up soon and I am now debating whether or not I should attend. Her adoptive Mom wants me there but I dont know if V does. I get the feeling from her that I am shameful to her and she would rather I not be around. That I'm that psycho birth Mom stalking her or my feelings are ridiculous and I need to just shut up and be superficial.

So tonight I want to self medicate. I want to scream. I want to take that piece of my brain out...that part of my heart that is hers I want to reclaim.


I want to go back to my hole where things were ok and I was just living life.

Feeling like a fraud

I am a Mother, but I am not. I have other children but I feel like its all just a facade and someone will find me out, that I had this other child who really isn't mine. I had to give her up because I sinned. I had to redeem myself from my huge mistake to remove the shame of what I did, the shame I brought upon my family...but that didn't happen. If anything I felt even more shame. I was a Mom but I wasn't.

But they said I would go on and have a beautiful life. They said giving her to a couple more deserving would enable me to have a perfect family later on. They said this wasn't a secret, this other baby, but was made to feel that I shouldn't talk about her.

When I went on to have other children I thought that would cover the dark spot inside. I could hide that other Motherhood in these children I was raising. Now I could pretend it didn't happen and finally claim Motherhood. Inevitably I would slip and the truth would come out that this vision I was trying to create was false. I was a marked woman. What I had wasn't all innocence and truth, I had a shadow on my soul.  This perfect picture I tried to paint of a Mom, Dad, 2.5 kids, a dog and picket fence shatters. I was just pretending to be a Mom with children with the man I married but because the other didnt belong to him it canceled out the authenticity of the Motherhood I claimed to any others who came after. I wasn't good enough for her and still not good enough for the children I have now.

Sometimes when she was with us I could say in my mind that we really were all a family. When we went on outings together, with all my children, I could pretend to the outside world that I was a real Mom because I had all my children together. Then we would have to take her home. Then the reality that I really am not her Mother was staring me in the face.

I still struggle with this feeling that I am really not a Mother, even though I have raised the others and they are all grown. Even though I have Mothered them and still do. When people find out I have another child that really isn't mine I feel shameful and embarrassed and feel it cancels out all the other familial accomplishments I have made... I'm still not a real Mom. It wasn't suppose to be like this...like other people who make mistakes as in divorce and blended families. Surrendering her was suppose to wipe the slate clean. I married and stayed married and had the prescribed number of children. I did it "right". It didn't  I didn't hide the fact that I had another child with someone other than my husband. Im not fooling anyone.

The Wedding Part 2

Although I was already feeling out of place and a bit awkward the morning of the wedding was great! We all had our make up done and took some great photos. I think because it was just us girls on her side of the family I felt more at home. More like just one of the family members.

Her adoptive Mom was so nervous and excited. When we arrived at the venue she made sure I knew I was sitting next to her. It ended up her adoptive Dad was able to walk her down the isle. We all were seated and her adoptive Mom took a hold of my hand and didn't let go!

I was feeling so out of place though. I knew there were members of her adoptive family and their friends there who didnt approve of not only my being there but me being in their lives at all. Ever. I knew they were sitting behind us and I felt like to them I had no right to be there let alone sitting next to the "real" Mother of the bride. Through the whole ceremony her adoptive Mom held my hand and has tears rolling down her face. I know this was a moment she had looked forward to since V was little. She would say things to me like...you ARE going to be right next to me crying the day she gets married!! You are her Mom too. 

I was so distracted by everything else I couldn't be in the moment. All the things said and implied when I was that scared pregnant teen, the shame I felt and still did, was creeping in and I didn't know it. I WANTED to be happy! I WANTED this to be an incredible day! Instead I kept sinking and I couldn't stop it even though I was trying to keep a hold on it. Trying to stay above water. 

There ceremony was over and a family member of mine who knew her now husbands parents grabbed me as I walked by while they were talking to introduce me, not knowing we already had been. I thought, oh good now they will hear who I am because we aren't in a noisy room. I was sure the reaction I got the first time was because they didn't understand. Nope. Same reaction. "Yeah we met" then turned back to their conversation with the family member.

We all moved to a spot to take the formal after the wedding photos and stood together for the group shot. I stepped over to the side waiting for all the other small groups to be photographed and talked with my husband and kids. My back was sort of to where the photos were being taken so I wasn't paying too much attention, I was just waiting to be called back for the shots of her side of the family. Then I heard...ok I think that's all of them. I was never called back. I turned to my family and tried desperately to stop the tears. I said I wanted to leave...NOW! My family is so incredible. The all "huddled" around me and my son asked if I wanted to take a walk with him. Somehow my step Mom saw this and called the photographers attention to get shots with my family. Looking back now I'm embarrassed because it was like...a photo with us wasn't wanted and here we were on display...the teenager who had loose morals and her pretend family. 

I made it through the rest of the reception with the help of a few margaritas and the love of my family (even with one of their friend opposed to my presence sitting across from me at our table and giving me looks..never saying a word to me).I still feel like I am processing all that happened. It has affected the relationship I have with V and her family, at least on my part. I am more withdrawn than I use to be with them. I really want to go back to the place I was before the wedding. I want to feel like the other people don't matter and the only thing is that they love me. That all that matters is what they think. That is where I want to be by the time their baby is born.

The Wedding Part 1

A few months after they announced their engagement I got a call from her adoptive Mom. My daughters adoptive Dad has had issues with his leg from an infection he had the year before and really couldn't walk well. Someone came up with the idea that her adoptive Mom and I walk her down the isle instead, if her adoptive Dad couldn't.  I was sooo honored I was crying. That I was considered to be this included was way more than I ever dreamed in my life!

So imagine my shock when things began to develop the week of the wedding. 

I arrived a little bit before so that I could help her with any last minute things that needed to be done. A few days before the wedding her friend came by to pick up the centerpieces and V went over the seating arrangements.  She told  her friend to make sure that the special covered chairs for the parents were in the front...two on each side. That stung a little.

Several times in the previous months I clarified with her what my role was in this. She always reassured me that I was "one of the mothers of the bride". I didn't want to go there and make a fool of myself like I thought I was more than I am to her. I didn't want to seem presumptuous.

The night of the rehearsal dinner I was a little nervous. I would be meeting his family and I didn't have a clue as to what they thought of their soon to be daughter in law's birth Mother having such a prominent spot in her wedding. I thought I would get the same reaction we/I got from most people..saying how wonderful and unique it was that we are all together like that. Well I found out pretty quickly that isn't how they feel. When I was introduced there were no smiles, not even a nice to meet you, I don't even think they shook my hand. They both looked at me and said-oh hi...and turned to someone nearby to talk to. It was noisy in the room so I thought maybe they didn't hear who I was and that's why I was brushed off. 

The dinner continued and when the toasts were made by her adoptive Dad and his Dad I was never mentioned like the other two moms and family were. I just wanted to disappear. I felt like a fraud.

To be continued...

Pregnant.

I debated on writing about this but I think it's an important thing to get out there. There are so many things about open adoption that hasnt been figured out yet because most adoptees of open adoption are still kids or teens. 

My daughter is pregnant. I feel wrong to to have the feelings Im experiencing. Of course as I mentioned before I knew they were trying. I knew this was coming. But when I was told it kind of hit me in a weird way. 

One thing that came to mind was that I almost, for the first time ever, wished that the adoption would have been closed. Now before anyone scoffs at that let me tell you why. For a lot of closed adoptions reunions dont happen when the adoptee turns 18...they are later...like after the adoptee has had their children. Coming into a relationship with your lost child after they have had their children is different than having to watch it all happen from the shadows. Yes even as open as our adoption is/was I am still watching from the shadows. Her adoptive mom is receiving the congratulations on FB and from elsewhere...I am not even a blip on the radar. So I am being relegated to the back. 

I really am trying to be ok with this. I will be attending the baby shower and will have to put on my happy face...happy to be the Mom who wasnt, and still isnt, good enough to keep her daughter with her. Smile as I watch friends and family make a big deal about this grandbaby... who is mine...but not really... I will go see them once the baby arrives and will have to pretend this is such an awesome thing...and thats just it, I dont want to have to pretend.  I truly want to be ok with it. I guess thats one of the reasons it takes nine months for a baby to arrive...so everyone can adjust to the changes.

Before anyone says anything about closed vs. open adoptions I just have to say that of course I know having them in my life is a blessing and Im lucky to not just have known where she was and safe but to be active in their lives. I know that. I just couldnt help feeling like wishing I didnt have to play a role in this...from the sidelines...again.

Waiting to see what the next 6 months will bring.