I haven't posted in a while. Although I have quite a few drafts I've started, I've not been able to complete a thought process on any of them. In the last few months I've found an excellent therapist who deals with loss and we have actually been coming quite a distance in this short time.
I've discovered in our sessions that I blame myself for not knowing better and trusting the adults in my life and giving my child to strangers. I was a naive 17 year old yet somewhere along the way I began telling myself I should have known all that I know now of life after adoption. This was a profound realization for me and I think it's the area I need to figure out how to forgive myself for. I believe this is where some of my shame is from.
But how does one forgive themselves for something so horrendous? How can I get to a place where I understand that the 17 year old me could never had known what my life would be like from that one single signature? And yet I blame her every day for this incredibly painful life I've lived.
13.5.13
Signing the TPR
When V was a little over a year old, a social worker called me. I don't remember the phone call or the conversation. All I remember was having a meeting with her in an old building used for public services. My step Mom has recently told me that her and my Dad drove me there but I don't remember any of it. I have a vague vision on being in a parking lot with them but I'm not sure if that's where we were.
I had no idea what I was signing was the termination of parental rights. I know it had to do with the adoption but I just didn't realize they were THE papers. I recently had married my husband and I remember going on about it and making a big deal about my name change. The social worker kept having a look of confusion or concern on her face and looking back now I realize she was trying to make me understand what was happening and making sure I knew what I was signing. But I had no clue...until a little while later in a phone conversation with V's adoptive Mom.
A few months later V's adoptive Mom and I were on the phone when I brought up the court date. For some reason I thought I would be there with them and at that time was when I would sign papers, she would become theirs and we would all share tears of happiness. I don't know where I got this idea from so when I asked her about when we were going to court she said they had already gone. I heart dropped. She must have sensed it because I remember her voice going soft and questing me gently about my meeting with the social worker. The rest of the conversation is a blur with the exception of us setting up a visit...it was the first time I had seen her since our parting at the hospital.
Was I just blocking it all out or being naive to what was going on around me? I was still in the mind set that I was beginning my happily ever after life and that things would work out beautifully. I still believed in the things I was told, that by giving her up I would find a respectable man to marry me and life would go on as if the deep pain of my sacrifice was in the past and didn't matter. Boy was I wrong.
I had no idea what I was signing was the termination of parental rights. I know it had to do with the adoption but I just didn't realize they were THE papers. I recently had married my husband and I remember going on about it and making a big deal about my name change. The social worker kept having a look of confusion or concern on her face and looking back now I realize she was trying to make me understand what was happening and making sure I knew what I was signing. But I had no clue...until a little while later in a phone conversation with V's adoptive Mom.
A few months later V's adoptive Mom and I were on the phone when I brought up the court date. For some reason I thought I would be there with them and at that time was when I would sign papers, she would become theirs and we would all share tears of happiness. I don't know where I got this idea from so when I asked her about when we were going to court she said they had already gone. I heart dropped. She must have sensed it because I remember her voice going soft and questing me gently about my meeting with the social worker. The rest of the conversation is a blur with the exception of us setting up a visit...it was the first time I had seen her since our parting at the hospital.
Was I just blocking it all out or being naive to what was going on around me? I was still in the mind set that I was beginning my happily ever after life and that things would work out beautifully. I still believed in the things I was told, that by giving her up I would find a respectable man to marry me and life would go on as if the deep pain of my sacrifice was in the past and didn't matter. Boy was I wrong.
6.5.13
Great. Im an angry birth Mom.
This is a little rambling as I am trying to sift through a few things and let them all fall into place...
This past weekend I attended a birth Mom retreat. I was so looking forward to meeting friends I have made over the past year online and maybe learn a new thing or two. What I experienced has shaken up something in me that I didn't realize I've been trying to suppress.
There were three guest speakers, an adoptive mom, birth Mom and an adult adoptee. Each was to share their experience in adoption, which is fine. The adoptive mom went first. I wont get into the details of what she said but I will just say she was using adoption language that was insulting and hurtful while trying to tell her "happy sunshine" story. Not to mention she kept bringing God into it and that can be a huge trigger for me. As she was talking I kept feeling myself begin to seethe with anger..so much that I felt my face heat up. I was texting my husband what was going on and told him I wanted to walk out. All I needed were the two little words from him...he said then do. I felt my eyes fill with tears and I stood up, walked towards the back door and out into the hallway.
As I opened the door I felt a rage fill me. I became so angry at all the people in this world who are like this woman. In the name of God they think they have rights to other peoples children and have no qualms about taking them away from women who would most likely have been awesome Mothers. They praise God for "their" little blessing. It was people like this who made me feel so shameful and told me I wasnt good enough for my own baby...because it was a "sin" to be an unwed Mom.
One of my friends came out to check on me and as we walked towards the parking garage to get some air she began crying. Once outside I just kept railing on about the things the adoptive Mom had said. I was so pissed! When I calmed down a bit my friend was still crying and it was then that it hit me. I am angry. Really really angry. I see my birth Mom friends cry and on one hand wish I could cry like that and have that release and on the other hand it makes me angry that if I let go and let loose I am some how weak and have let people who put me in this situation have power over me again. Like if I let myself cry it would mean I don't have a handle on this thing that has cursed my whole adult life. I'm angry that at this point in my life I am still feeling all these intense feelings. It was people like that adoptive mom who caused this to happen to me...and all in the name of God. I'm pissed that these people are still the cause of so much hurt in my life!
I've realized through one of the sessions that I have put a LOT of weight on the deal making I had been doing with myself over adoption all these years. I have tried to think time and time again if I had ever gone through the part of grieving where you bargain with God and I realized that I had made bargains with myself. My biggest deal I made was that I live my life a certain way and be a perfect Mom to my other two kids, have a certain kind of house, drive a certain kind of car, basically live a fairy tale, well what would look like a fairy tale to outsiders, then her and I would have a wonderful relationship when she was an adult. That she would admire me instead of resent me.
Her side of Mother/child bond was severed the minute I walked away from her at the hospital. The reality is that for most adult adoptees and their first Moms that bond does not repair when they reunite or when the child grows up. There are instances when this isn't true and never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that wouldn't be us. I thought I had some sort of guarantee because it was an open adoption and I tried my best to live up to the deals I made, to be perfect so she would love me and not be angry that I abandoned her.
I feel like I have nailed down a few things I need to work on finally. Thankfully I have a therapy appointment on Wed!
This past weekend I attended a birth Mom retreat. I was so looking forward to meeting friends I have made over the past year online and maybe learn a new thing or two. What I experienced has shaken up something in me that I didn't realize I've been trying to suppress.
There were three guest speakers, an adoptive mom, birth Mom and an adult adoptee. Each was to share their experience in adoption, which is fine. The adoptive mom went first. I wont get into the details of what she said but I will just say she was using adoption language that was insulting and hurtful while trying to tell her "happy sunshine" story. Not to mention she kept bringing God into it and that can be a huge trigger for me. As she was talking I kept feeling myself begin to seethe with anger..so much that I felt my face heat up. I was texting my husband what was going on and told him I wanted to walk out. All I needed were the two little words from him...he said then do. I felt my eyes fill with tears and I stood up, walked towards the back door and out into the hallway.
As I opened the door I felt a rage fill me. I became so angry at all the people in this world who are like this woman. In the name of God they think they have rights to other peoples children and have no qualms about taking them away from women who would most likely have been awesome Mothers. They praise God for "their" little blessing. It was people like this who made me feel so shameful and told me I wasnt good enough for my own baby...because it was a "sin" to be an unwed Mom.
One of my friends came out to check on me and as we walked towards the parking garage to get some air she began crying. Once outside I just kept railing on about the things the adoptive Mom had said. I was so pissed! When I calmed down a bit my friend was still crying and it was then that it hit me. I am angry. Really really angry. I see my birth Mom friends cry and on one hand wish I could cry like that and have that release and on the other hand it makes me angry that if I let go and let loose I am some how weak and have let people who put me in this situation have power over me again. Like if I let myself cry it would mean I don't have a handle on this thing that has cursed my whole adult life. I'm angry that at this point in my life I am still feeling all these intense feelings. It was people like that adoptive mom who caused this to happen to me...and all in the name of God. I'm pissed that these people are still the cause of so much hurt in my life!
I've realized through one of the sessions that I have put a LOT of weight on the deal making I had been doing with myself over adoption all these years. I have tried to think time and time again if I had ever gone through the part of grieving where you bargain with God and I realized that I had made bargains with myself. My biggest deal I made was that I live my life a certain way and be a perfect Mom to my other two kids, have a certain kind of house, drive a certain kind of car, basically live a fairy tale, well what would look like a fairy tale to outsiders, then her and I would have a wonderful relationship when she was an adult. That she would admire me instead of resent me.
Her side of Mother/child bond was severed the minute I walked away from her at the hospital. The reality is that for most adult adoptees and their first Moms that bond does not repair when they reunite or when the child grows up. There are instances when this isn't true and never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that wouldn't be us. I thought I had some sort of guarantee because it was an open adoption and I tried my best to live up to the deals I made, to be perfect so she would love me and not be angry that I abandoned her.
I feel like I have nailed down a few things I need to work on finally. Thankfully I have a therapy appointment on Wed!
22.4.13
Cliche
Its the story every adoptee is told. Almost none of them have an original reason as to why they were separated from their original families. "I was young, poor, unmarried and thought you deserved more than what I could have given you." So banal.
It breaks my heart that I have no special circumstances or fairy tale ending to make her different than other adoptees. I'm sad that all I have to offer her are cliches that everyone else hears. I want to give her something more. I want her to feel that her life isn't one shuffled into the category of... "my Mom couldn't take care of me so she found someone who could." I want the story of her beginnings to be unique not some overused slogan tossed around by the adoption industry. I want there to be more as to why I gave her up. I wish it were more meaningful than the same old story and threadbare generalizations that are given to those severed from their first families.
But I cant do that. I bought the story that was sold to me and now this is her reality.
It breaks my heart that I have no special circumstances or fairy tale ending to make her different than other adoptees. I'm sad that all I have to offer her are cliches that everyone else hears. I want to give her something more. I want her to feel that her life isn't one shuffled into the category of... "my Mom couldn't take care of me so she found someone who could." I want the story of her beginnings to be unique not some overused slogan tossed around by the adoption industry. I want there to be more as to why I gave her up. I wish it were more meaningful than the same old story and threadbare generalizations that are given to those severed from their first families.
But I cant do that. I bought the story that was sold to me and now this is her reality.
21.4.13
This says so much!
I wish you’d just tell me
by teradanielle
If there are things that need saying, why not just say them?
Do you think I’m going to turn away and leave you?
That’s not going to happen.
Do you think if you are angry I’m going to fall apart?
Do you think you need to protect my feelings too?
No, I just want the truth.
No need to be mean, no need to be harsh
I do have a heart, although it’s not what it once was
Be gentle if you can
But even anger is better than nothing
Don’t you know I love you just as you are?
No need for perfection
Please no more silences, don’t leave me to guess.
Each door that slams in my face
feels like another death
If you are angry, I say “you should be”
If you’re not, that’s okay too
Is it alright that I am?
Would you think less of me then?
All I want is to bridge this gap
You are my family, my heart
Tell me what do you need, what can I do?
If I could I’d heal this wound
for me and for you
Thank you so much terradanielle for sharing this with the world.
15.4.13
I don't want to do this anymore.
The last few weeks I've noticed I am beginning to feel like myself again. I hate to admit this but for a little over a year I've been self medicating with alcohol, sleeping pills and anxiety meds whenever I needed to numb out...which was every weekend getting drunk and taking prescription meds the rest of the week. I'm trying really hard to tell myself that I'm not going through another stage of grief but I am. I don't want to. I want my life back.
I don't know why my daughter is acting the way she is. She has no idea how deep this pain is and I will never tell her. I would hate for her to think this is her fault.
There will be a big event coming up soon and I am now debating whether or not I should attend. Her adoptive Mom wants me there but I dont know if V does. I get the feeling from her that I am shameful to her and she would rather I not be around. That I'm that psycho birth Mom stalking her or my feelings are ridiculous and I need to just shut up and be superficial.
So tonight I want to self medicate. I want to scream. I want to take that piece of my brain out...that part of my heart that is hers I want to reclaim.
I want to go back to my hole where things were ok and I was just living life.
I don't know why my daughter is acting the way she is. She has no idea how deep this pain is and I will never tell her. I would hate for her to think this is her fault.
There will be a big event coming up soon and I am now debating whether or not I should attend. Her adoptive Mom wants me there but I dont know if V does. I get the feeling from her that I am shameful to her and she would rather I not be around. That I'm that psycho birth Mom stalking her or my feelings are ridiculous and I need to just shut up and be superficial.
So tonight I want to self medicate. I want to scream. I want to take that piece of my brain out...that part of my heart that is hers I want to reclaim.
I want to go back to my hole where things were ok and I was just living life.
2.4.13
Feeling like a fraud
I am a Mother, but I am not. I have other children but I feel like its all just a facade and someone will find me out, that I had this other child who really isn't mine. I had to give her up because I sinned. I had to redeem myself from my huge mistake to remove the shame of what I did, the shame I brought upon my family...but that didn't happen. If anything I felt even more shame. I was a Mom but I wasn't.
But they said I would go on and have a beautiful life. They said giving her to a couple more deserving would enable me to have a perfect family later on. They said this wasn't a secret, this other baby, but was made to feel that I shouldn't talk about her.
When I went on to have other children I thought that would cover the dark spot inside. I could hide that other Motherhood in these children I was raising. Now I could pretend it didn't happen and finally claim Motherhood. Inevitably I would slip and the truth would come out that this vision I was trying to create was false. I was a marked woman. What I had wasn't all innocence and truth, I had a shadow on my soul. This perfect picture I tried to paint of a Mom, Dad, 2.5 kids, a dog and picket fence shatters. I was just pretending to be a Mom with children with the man I married but because the other didnt belong to him it canceled out the authenticity of the Motherhood I claimed to any others who came after. I wasn't good enough for her and still not good enough for the children I have now.
Sometimes when she was with us I could say in my mind that we really were all a family. When we went on outings together, with all my children, I could pretend to the outside world that I was a real Mom because I had all my children together. Then we would have to take her home. Then the reality that I really am not her Mother was staring me in the face.
I still struggle with this feeling that I am really not a Mother, even though I have raised the others and they are all grown. Even though I have Mothered them and still do. When people find out I have another child that really isn't mine I feel shameful and embarrassed and feel it cancels out all the other familial accomplishments I have made... I'm still not a real Mom. It wasn't suppose to be like this...like other people who make mistakes as in divorce and blended families. Surrendering her was suppose to wipe the slate clean. I married and stayed married and had the prescribed number of children. I did it "right". It didn't I didn't hide the fact that I had another child with someone other than my husband. Im not fooling anyone.
But they said I would go on and have a beautiful life. They said giving her to a couple more deserving would enable me to have a perfect family later on. They said this wasn't a secret, this other baby, but was made to feel that I shouldn't talk about her.
When I went on to have other children I thought that would cover the dark spot inside. I could hide that other Motherhood in these children I was raising. Now I could pretend it didn't happen and finally claim Motherhood. Inevitably I would slip and the truth would come out that this vision I was trying to create was false. I was a marked woman. What I had wasn't all innocence and truth, I had a shadow on my soul. This perfect picture I tried to paint of a Mom, Dad, 2.5 kids, a dog and picket fence shatters. I was just pretending to be a Mom with children with the man I married but because the other didnt belong to him it canceled out the authenticity of the Motherhood I claimed to any others who came after. I wasn't good enough for her and still not good enough for the children I have now.
Sometimes when she was with us I could say in my mind that we really were all a family. When we went on outings together, with all my children, I could pretend to the outside world that I was a real Mom because I had all my children together. Then we would have to take her home. Then the reality that I really am not her Mother was staring me in the face.
I still struggle with this feeling that I am really not a Mother, even though I have raised the others and they are all grown. Even though I have Mothered them and still do. When people find out I have another child that really isn't mine I feel shameful and embarrassed and feel it cancels out all the other familial accomplishments I have made... I'm still not a real Mom. It wasn't suppose to be like this...like other people who make mistakes as in divorce and blended families. Surrendering her was suppose to wipe the slate clean. I married and stayed married and had the prescribed number of children. I did it "right". It didn't I didn't hide the fact that I had another child with someone other than my husband. Im not fooling anyone.
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